6 Myths About Ark of the Covenant-Enabled Weapons

WIKIMEDIA

BY MARK REMY

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve been hearing a lot lately about Ark of the Covenant-powered consumer products—and not all of the news has been good. As the president and CEO of ArkTek Defense, the global leader in Ark-enabled personal protection  gear, I take an especially keen interest in these stories.

It’s true that there have been a series of unfortunate incidents over the past year or so, from the discovery, by an unwitting custodian, of the Ark in a government warehouse (one death) to our efforts to harness and replicate the power of the Ark (11 deaths) to the day our very first unit rolled off the production line and fell to the floor (26 deaths, including a TV camera crew).

It’s also true that a handful of bad actors have used ArkTek products not for defense but for offense—a flagrant violation, by the way, of the ArkTek Safety Pledge.

But that is only part of a much larger picture. During this same time period, nearly three million Americans have purchased an ArkTek personal defense product, enjoying the 24/7 peace of mind that comes with owning a device that, at the touch of a button, will release unearthly sounds, swarms of damned souls and, within moments, bolts of white-hot energy that carom around wildly, convulsing and incinerating anyone foolish enough not to look away.

It is regrettable that the media chooses to ignore that side of the story.

Given this lopsided coverage and the hype and hysteria that it engenders, I would like to dispel a few myths about our products.

MYTH: Banning Ark-enabled weapons will stop senseless slaughter.
We wish it were that simple. The truth is that if a disturbed individual is determined to pierce the torsos of dozens of horrified onlookers with bolts of holy fire, reducing them to ash and sending their souls skyward for the ultimate judgment, he’s going to find a way to do it, no matter what.

Yes, the Ark of the Covenant can be dangerous. So can regular arks. For that matter, so can any number of objects, including staffs, headpieces, bullwhips, and tombs. Should we ban these things as well?

Our position at ArkTek Defense is simple: Responsibility begins and ends with the individual, not with an inanimate object. Our units don’t leverage the power of Almighty God to explode skulls and melt faces all by themselves!

MYTH: An ArkTek device can “level mountains and lay waste to entire regions.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Biblical descriptions of the Ark’s power are highly exaggerated. I have seen the actual Ark being opened, in a controlled setting (six deaths), and while it was indeed an awesome sight I can assure you that no mountains were in danger of being flattened.

MYTH: Our products are “automatic.”
This old canard just won’t die. Our products are semi-automatic—users must press the button once for each time they want to unleash the awful enormity of God’s wrath.

MYTH: Young children can activate an ArkTek device.
No, they can’t, unless they are sophisticated enough to locate the activation button on top of the unit and then, frankly, dumb enough to press it. We have taken every measure imaginable to prevent this sort of scenario, from encouraging parents to talk to their kids about ark-device safety to painting our buttons bright red—the universal symbol for “danger.”

MYTH: Dozens of innocent people have died after mistaking one of our devices for a “Panic Button” office novelty.
This urban legend started, as many do, with a kernel of truth—one person died this way, after which we immediately (and voluntarily) decided to stop printing the word PANIC on our activation buttons.

MYTH: Anyone can just waltz into a store and walk out with an ArkTek device.
Wrong again. We work closely with retailers to ensure that every buyer of an ArkTek product is (a.) at least 18 years old, (b.) a U.S. citizen, and (c.) able to identify the parts of a standard ArkTek unit, especially the button. Some have criticized us for putting these barriers in place. But here at ArkTek, we feel it’s the least we can do.

As for me, well, you can have my ArkTek device when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.

Just please be careful how you pick it up.